Magical Mess
by fire mystic
Summary: Strange things are happening to Reno and Tifa thanks to a curse, and Vincent and Yuffie have to save the day. ReTi one-shot for The Sacred and Profane


_For The Sacred and Profane._

_The disclaimer I always seem to forget: I neither own nor profit from ffvii or its characters._

_This was fun. Enjoy!_

_fire mystic_

Magical Mess

It had started with a promise.

"I'll get even with you, Turk."

Reno had shrugged at Cloud, smirking, knowing he was annoying the blond to no end.

"Give it your best shot, yo, but when it's all said and done, Tifa chose me, and that's never gonna change."

Cloud had stomped off in a pretty huff, and everything had been nice and quiet for a few days. When the trouble started, however, Reno had a hunch he knew who was responsible.

It, the trouble, the strangeness, had arrived in a small package addressed to Reno, no return address. He had opened the small box carefully and pulled out what looked like a ball of multi-colored materia.

"Oooh, what kind of materia is that?" Tifa appeared at his elbow, looking at the small sphere of swirling color.

He held it up for a closer look. "I have no idea." He rolled it across his palm and it suddenly, with a soft pop, exploded into a tiny cloud of dust. Most of it hit Reno full in the face, but Tifa also started coughing as she inhaled a small amount.

They waited a few seconds, fearing the worst, but relaxed when there were no immediate effects.

It soon became apparent relaxing hadn't been a good idea.

Reno woke a few days later to a sound he couldn't quite identify right away. Listening, he rolled toward the bathroom where Tifa was showering. There it was again. No, the trumpeting of a baby elephant was not a normal sound one should hear coming from the bathroom in the morning.

"Or anytime, for that matter," he muttered.

He pushed the covers off his body, standing up and looking in the mirror, flinching. No, that wasn't normal, either. He went to join Tifa in the shower.

"You're doing it again."

She slapped a hand over her mouth, fighting hard to muffle the trumpeting, but the sound squeezed past her lips. In an attempt to control it, she had asked Reno to tell her when she started making the strange animal sounds. It hadn't worked.

Reno pulled her into his arms, letting the warm water wash over both of them.

"It's okay, baby. We'll figure this out." He pulled back with a silly grin. "If it makes you feel better, I'm not showing any signs of improvement." He cast his hands down his body and cocked a hip that had become much more pronounced over the past few days.

Tifa kept her hand over her mouth, now to keep the shock in, her eyes wide.

"Damn, Reno," she whispered from behind her hand, staring at the breasts that were forming. "If this keeps up, you're going to be as big as me!"

He looked down at them, pushing them up with his hands. Tifa was right. And if they got that big, there would be no way to hide them!

"I know you don't want to, but I think it's time to make that phone call."

They had talked about it, figured out who would be the most likely person to help them, but had hoped it wouldn't come to that.

"Call him, Reno."

"You know what's going to happen if I do."

"Yeah, but I think it's a chance we're going to have to take."

* * *

There was a knock on the door, and Reno opened it for their guest. He had made the call, as Tifa had suggested, and now stood staring at what he had known would be the downside to this plan.

"Hi Reno! I hear you're experiencing technical difficulties!" Yuffie bounced past him into the house. "Where's Tifa?"

As if in response, from somewhere in the house came a high-pitched shriek followed by the sound of a chattering monkey. Yuffie burst out giggling. "Never mind. I think I can track her down."

She set off through the house after the 'oooh, ohh, eh, egh, oooh' sounds, and Reno turned to his other guest, who was standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.

"Hey Vincent. I figured you wouldn't be able to get out of the house without her. We'll be lucky if everybody on the planet doesn't know about this by tomorrow morning."

Vincent stepped through the door, closing it behind him.

"Sorry, Reno. I think she has the phones tapped." He inspected the Turk from head to toe. "It doesn't look too bad."

Reno tilted his head at the gunman. "Maybe that's because Tifa wrapped me up like a mummy to hide the boobs, the loose shirt's hiding the hips, and I'm not even going to talk about what's going on down below, except to say I hope you can help before it disappears."

If what Reno told him didn't get the point across seriously enough, dinner certainly did. Reno, Vincent noticed, actually had a sway to his hips when he walked, and was consistently 'talking' with his hands, feminine gestures Vincent was pretty sure Reno was unaware of. Yuffie reached over at one point, groped one of his breasts and started giggling madly.

Tifa bypassed everything else on the table, heaping her plate with assorted vegetables, and when everyone was seated, studied the food as if she were thinking deeply about it. Vincent was about to ask her if there was something wrong with it when she suddenly buried her face in the food and began snuffling it off the plate, snorting now and then when she paused to chew. Yuffie's eyes were as large as balls of materia as she stared at Tifa, and abruptly, she burst into raucous laughter, Vincent's hand on the back of her shirt the only think keeping her from falling to the floor. Tifa startled, looking up in horror as Vincent hauled Yuffie up and out of the room, practically carrying her by her collar.

"What do you think you're doing?" Vincent hissed, once they were out of earshot. "We're their guests and they need our help!"

"But…Vincent…" She gasped between the gales of laughter, tears streaming down her face. "She's…_snorting_! Like a PIG!" She choked the word out, doubling over in laughter, collapsing to her knees.

Vincent stared down at her impassively.

"Yuffie? Where is your materia?"

"Huh?" She hiccupped.

"What would you do if all of your materia disappeared?"

Now, that was a sobering thought.

"Awwe, Vinnie!" She wiped the last of her tears away. "That's not funny!"

"Neither is you calling me Vinnie, but if you don't help me to help them and keep this quiet, I promise you won't ever find your materia."

She had several hiding places for her collection.

Vincent knew about every one of them.

"You wouldn't!"

He crossed his arms. Yuffie stood, brushing herself off, smoothing her hair.

"Okay. Let's go figure this out."

Reno told them his suspicions of how it had all started, about the mysterious package that had arrived and what was in it, but neither Vincent nor Yuffie had ever heard of such a materia. Then Reno told him who he thought was responsible, and Yuffie's eyes lit up.

"I can find out. I know exactly what to do!"

She set out immediately, tracking down Cloud, acting her usually silly self to get the blond out to a local bar. She knew Cloud's weakness: Mai Tai's with those silly little umbrellas and peanuts.

Once she got him started, he would be wasted in no time at all. Sure enough, an hour, seven mai tai's, and four bowls of peanuts later, Cloud was giggling and babbling uncontrollably, and Yuffie started asking questions, but while it had been easy to get him drunk, Yuffie had not thought about how to get information out of him. It turned out it wasn't necessary, though, when, at the mention of Tifa's name, Cloud became particularly tickled.

"I fixed his ass," he slurred.

"Oh, really? Who?" Yuffie acted innocent, but was listening intently, having a feeling she had hit pay dirt.

"Reno." Cloud chortled. "Damn Turk took Tifa away…but I got him back."

"How's that, Cloud?"

His eyes sparkled with drink and humor.

"Sent him transformation dust disguised as materia," he whispered conspiratorially. "Fixed him good! Soon he'll be fending off the boys!"

Transformation dust? Yuffie had never heard of it, but she asked.

"Oh, yeah. Got it from this little shop," he waved a hand loosely in the air, "somewhere…Kalm, I think."

That was enough information for Yuffie to pass on. Leaving Cloud to his umbrellas and nuts, she raced out of the bar, cell phone in hand as she speed-dialed Vincent's number, hoping he still had the phone she had given him for his birthday.

A few days later, Reno's body was re-proportioning itself, and Tifa had finally stopped picking through Reno's hair when they were watching television and bleating like a goat when she was vacuuming.

"Thank Gaia Vincent was able to find that shop and get the cure for that curse." Tifa curled up next to Reno on the couch. "I was beginning to think I'd never be able to leave the house again."

Reno snorted. "You're telling me! I was beginning to worry about Rude making passes at me."

"He didn't!"

Reno laughed. "No, but he was looking at me kinda funny, ya know?"

Tifa sat up, serious. "I'll have to talk to Cloud. He's got to get over us dating."

Reno pulled her back down into his arms. "Oh, no you don't." He rolled her beneath him, tickling her. "I'm feeling the need to reaffirm my masculinity." He kissed her, hard, and she groaned. "Now that's the kind of sound I love to hear from you, Tifa."

"But he shouldn't just get away with what he did, Reno!"

"Oh, he won't, baby." Reno pulled back, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "I kept the number for that shop. I imagine," he checked his watch, "right about now, Cloud is feeling a wee bit uncomfortable."

"No! You…what did you do?"

"Don't worry, Tifa. It's temporary, and maybe having to explain the feathers and the clucking will teach him a lesson."

"Feathers and…clucking?" She looked completely scandalized. "Like a…"

"Yes, Tifa. Just like a Chocobo."


End file.
